The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
