Who wears a wallet chain?!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You're a waste of cheezeits
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
