Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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