She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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