he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I think people are normalizing furries
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
