she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
