He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My dick has a subreddit
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize