The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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