my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize