I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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