I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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