I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
