i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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