i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
There's even glitter on my cock...
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