hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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