so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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