all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
