well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize