I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
