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Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
