I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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