Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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