What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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