Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
