his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
