A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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