It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
