I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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