Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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