have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
