I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
