God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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