Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
