i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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