my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
