You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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