man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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