So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
