apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
