She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
