I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
bring money and cleavage
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
