I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
