I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
