Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
