It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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