Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
