just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
