I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
