Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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