but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
