Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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