matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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