Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
