i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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