Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
